Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Yes, we WILL be having Fryes with that... at least one, anyway

Today is Wednesday, July 28, 2010. This is the journal I will publish on my blog about 6 weeks from now. I will be over 11 weeks pregnant when you read this.

On Thursday, July 15th, I had a positive pregnancy test. This isn't new for me. If you know much about us, it's not the getting pregnant we have trouble with. It's the staying pregnant. So naturally, I was cautiously excited. I called the doctor and being the high-risk patient that I am, she had me come in for immediate bloodwork. They say there's no such thing as "a little bit pregnant." O contraire. It was probably the first possible moment I could have known. I was barely on the chart. And my progesterone, of course, was lower than it should have been to sustain a pregnancy. So she put me back on the supplement I had been rebelling against in my "we're giving it up to God revelation." We spent the weekend praying. On Monday, I was tested again. They say your pregnancy hormone should double every 2 days. Mine had increased 500% every 2 days. My progesterone was now above average.

The next week was a blur. I noticed a few of the rumored pregnancy symptoms, and tried to take it easy. Having had an ectopic pregnancy, I was 10-25% more likely to have another. So we waited until this past Monday (one week later) to draw blood again. In the meantime, we prayed.

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God plans. Now I'm the one who's laughing...

This is the first time I have had a home office. I turned the sitting area in our master bedroom into one so that I could do a little work from home for a good friend who runs a website. It has been nice to be at the house each day, playing housewife and lunching with friends. I get bored and so often I have tried to sit down and update my blog, but it never seems to happen.

Even when I had my most heartfelt topic on the tip of my tongue, I couldn't finish. But today I will. Actually, today I will begin.

At the end of May we left Justin's training in South Alabama and arrived back to Lexington with a new lease on life. He was back at work and I was trying to get settled in to this new routine, hoping the right job would come along, but not knocking down doors to find it. I suppose I'll consider doing that here soon. As I had begun to write in the previous (just now being published) post, I was struggling. I had come to a very simple conclusion in May, after our fourth failed attempt at getting pregnant (naturally, except for a progesterone supplement the last half of my cycle) since he arrived home from Iraq. I drove home from my college girlfriend's house in Jackson, Mississippi and cried until I got to Montgomery. I was going to give it up. Not give up. Just give it up. To Him.

I don't know how to explain my revelation any other way than I had come to the conclusion that I was placing too much emphasis on the physical/worldly things that God provides, rather than God himself. For instance, my internet research, ovulation predictor kits, and newfangled ideas for fertility had altogether replaced the sense of peace we are all supposed to have in Him- struggle or not. I truly don't believe God thinks there's a difference between thanking him for what we love and thanking him for the things we hate. I think we feel entitled to so much in this world that we forget what blessings are actually out there. And so I began to thank Him for my struggle. I know that sounds odd, like I was all of a sudden praying to him for infertility. But I gave up my needs and thanked Him for his will. Pure and simple.

While this may sound like reverse psychology on God, I can assure you He's far too all-knowing for that. I just threw my hands upward, and let go.

I know there's supposed to be an end to this story. But I can tell you now- this post is the very beginning. I have a story to tell and I am (almost) ready for you to hear it.

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