For six months I have anticipated what yesterday would bring. I tried to imagine how I might handle the moment when my husband would walk out on to that tarmac and board the plane that would take him away from me for 44 weeks (yes, I have already counted). I could never have predicted the emotions, the number of tears, or the sheer sense of pride and excitement. I could never have imagined what those hours would feel like leading up to that moment. I could never have imagined the moments that would follow.
All day I received messages from friends, new and old. The common thread between them all? Everyone seemed to say, "I cannot imagine what you must be going through right now." I can relate. I couldn't imagine it before it happened to me either.
I do believe in the voice of military families. I believe in the ability we have to help others understand and empathize. I will do my best to explain what we go through. I will give you an opportunity to imagine...
My heart is heavy with grief, but heavier with pride. My heart is heavy with fear, but heavier with dedication. Since 2:30 yesterday, I have been strong, weak, lost and found. I have had ups, downs and in-betweens. I have prayed, screamed, sobbed, grasped, and then grown silent. I have searched my head for every silver lining I can possibly find. I have walked it off, prayed it away and talked it out. I have survived.
The worst is behind me. No, he's not over there yet. He hasn't piloted his first flight in a war-torn country. But behind me is an entire day. An entire day to say, "I did this. And I'll do it again... over and over again." Behind me is goodbye. All that is in front of me is, "I miss you... I love you... I can't live without you, but I am trying as hard as I can... You are my hero and my best friend... I want to go to Europe on your R&R... I want to be a better woman when you come home, a better wife, a mother, and I want you to look up to me as much as I look up to you...." What does tomorrow bring? I can hardly imagine... but it doesn't involve "Goodbye." That moment is history and only God predicts futures.
All day I received messages from friends, new and old. The common thread between them all? Everyone seemed to say, "I cannot imagine what you must be going through right now." I can relate. I couldn't imagine it before it happened to me either.
I do believe in the voice of military families. I believe in the ability we have to help others understand and empathize. I will do my best to explain what we go through. I will give you an opportunity to imagine...
My heart is heavy with grief, but heavier with pride. My heart is heavy with fear, but heavier with dedication. Since 2:30 yesterday, I have been strong, weak, lost and found. I have had ups, downs and in-betweens. I have prayed, screamed, sobbed, grasped, and then grown silent. I have searched my head for every silver lining I can possibly find. I have walked it off, prayed it away and talked it out. I have survived.
The worst is behind me. No, he's not over there yet. He hasn't piloted his first flight in a war-torn country. But behind me is an entire day. An entire day to say, "I did this. And I'll do it again... over and over again." Behind me is goodbye. All that is in front of me is, "I miss you... I love you... I can't live without you, but I am trying as hard as I can... You are my hero and my best friend... I want to go to Europe on your R&R... I want to be a better woman when you come home, a better wife, a mother, and I want you to look up to me as much as I look up to you...." What does tomorrow bring? I can hardly imagine... but it doesn't involve "Goodbye." That moment is history and only God predicts futures.
Love you, Meredith. Here for you - call whenever.
ReplyDeleteYou and Justin will be in our prayers...I've been where you are and each day will pass...and you will get through it. Keep busy, my friend!
ReplyDelete-Heather & Lee
Meredith-I have thought about you two all week. I love your blog. You should be a writer!! Stay strong..I know you will. It takes a VERY special woman to go through what you two are!
ReplyDeleteI have tears in my eyes as I read your words and see the picture of Justin waving. Love you and praying!!!
ReplyDeleteI love you Mere..thanks for writing. I'm praying for you..HARD!
ReplyDeleteHi Meredith...I am here through Katie Holliday's blog and am in a Bible Study with her, Tiffany Atkinson and Margaret Hollis. We prayed for you tonight and will continue to pray for you and your family! Your post was so moving and though I cannot imagine, I can sense your emotions and so thankful that you have such a strong friend and family base and relationship with the Lord. Just remember too that people you don't even know are praying for you! Can't wait to follow your story!
ReplyDeleteCaroline Armstrong
Wow, Meredith. You guys are amazing...i don't even know what to say. Like you said that everyone else was saying, I can't even imagine what you are going through. Obviously, i don't know you well (i haven't seen you since the peeps in the neighborhood were out and about last summer :)), but i certainly care about what is going on with you and will be sending all my best wishes.
ReplyDeleteI saw your post on Facebook and had to take a peek. On a lighter note, your blog design is SO awesome. I love it.
Hugs,
Carrie from the Corner
www.snippetgirl.blogspot.com
I love the blog! I'm going to bookmark it so I can check up on you. You are completely right about the one day at a time. 44 weeks sound like forever (and it is), but you can make it. Just take one step at a time. My ex husband was in the Army. He never went overseas, but he was gone a lot. The longest was 30 days, nowhere comparable to what you and Justin are going through, but I can relate to an extent the pain you must be feeling. As women we cling to our husbands and feel such a great loss when they are gone. I will lift both you and Justin up in my prayers daily. Stay strong!!
ReplyDeleteAshley Wells
In life there are many 'learning moments'. You will learn alot about yourself in these next weeks. Trust me girl, you will become a much stronger woman. Not that you were not strong before. You will be even more strong. You know I'm here for you, and going through the same thing. Been there and back and going again. Thank you for the blog, Mer. I think it will do alot for me right now. Love you!
ReplyDeleteHeidi Davis
Praying for you :)...from 10 feet away
ReplyDelete